


hush baby (don't say a word)

by skiesye



Category: iKON (Kpop)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Sex, Lowercase, M/M, Miscommunication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-29 03:04:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10845168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skiesye/pseuds/skiesye
Summary: Junhoe is afraid; smoking doesn't help.





	hush baby (don't say a word)

junhoe is afraid.

 

maybe that's why he's smoking, sitting on the windowsill, looking at the gloomy world outside. the open window does little to stop the room from filling with the smoke, he very well realizes. the air on the space station would be completely still if it wasn't for the big, rusty fans attached here and there to there to the dilapidated building walls. only some of them are still intact at this point but the one near junhoe's window works well enough, and it blows the smoke right back into his bedroom.

 

smoking calms your nerves. supposedly. it's never worked that way on junhoe- if he's honest, the cigarettes have no effect on him whatsoever. maybe aside from killing him slowly. he's not addicted but they don't make him feel better, either. so maybe he's not smoking because he's afraid. maybe he's smoking because jinhwan hates the smell and sometimes, junhoe has those urges to piss jinhwan off. uselessly. he's like a trapped mouse clawing at the cage's walls.

 

he hears the bedroom door creak, then he hears jinhwan's soft steps.

 

"are you smoking that crap again?" jinhwan doesn't sound angry. he's never angry with junhoe. irritated, at best, and sometimes he scolds him, but he never really shouts at him. "you know, you can't find these anywhere in space. i think terra 3 is the only place i've seen people smoke these."

 

it's no wonder, junhoe thinks. terra 3 is one of the oldest human-made space stations, one of the last enclaves of all of the toxic human crap. "what do people smoke everywhere else?"

 

"no idea. shit that doesn't kill you as efficiently, i suppose."

 

junhoe smiles. he glances at jinhwan- he's drying his hair with one of junhoe's towels. even through the smoke, junhoe can smell the scent of his shampoo. jinhwan doesn't even ask anymore, if he can uses his stuff. jinhwan probably feels more at home in junhoe's apartment than junhoe ever did or will. he wonders if all mercenaries are like this. finding home everywhere and nowhere at all. merchants might consider their ships and crews their home. but jinhwan changes crews too often for that. he's quite famous in his field and he gets many offers, from officers, merchants and pirates alike.

 

"if it doesn't efficiently kill you then what's the point?"

 

jinhwan stares at him for a second before snorting. "jokes like that make you sound like an old man."

 

junhoe doesn't bother informing jinhwan that it's not entirely a joke. he's doing okay, he supposes, but sometimes he gets so tired and there's nothing to look forward to in the future. apart from jinhwan. but jinhwan... one day he might not come back at all.

 

"how long are you staying?" junhoe asks, putting the cigarette out on the windowsill and throwing it through the window. he wishes he had a reason to care about littering but terra 3 is pretty much composed of trash and rust. a single cigarette bud won't make a difference.

 

"just tonight." there's something in jinhwan's face when he says that, something that junhoe wishes he could interpret as regret. except he doubts jinhwan cares that much. he could stay longer if he really wanted to.

 

so they only have tonight.

 

"i see."

 

junhoe doesn't sound even half as bitter as he feels. he just sounds tired. maybe he really is just tired.

 

but he doesn't resist when jinhwan takes him by the hand and leads him towards the bed. in the end, no matter what, he always wants jinhwan.

 

-

 

he's exhausted. he steps in the shower and turns on the water getting it as hot as he can take it. it's hot enough for his skin to prickle but it doesn't bother him. the water is clear but he briefly wonders how many times it has been reclaimed. then he wonders how long until the reclamation bioreactor stops working.

 

he's had those thoughts many times before.

 

for a moment he just stands there, mindlessly watching the water drops trickle down his skin as steam clouds the cabin walls. then he reaches for the washcloth. today's job was tough. it'll take a lot of scrubbing to wash all the dirt away. but it's okay. the job was satisfying, took his mind off things. and he doesn't mind long showers. he's used to them. being a mechanic gets you dirty all the time.

 

he's good at what he does and the ships that dock here often need repairs. sometimes the crew mechanic can't do it alone. sometimes they have no mechanic at all. he can't complain about lack of work. still, he knows if he got hired as a ship crew member, with his skills, he could earn much more. but then, he'd have to leave. and it's likely that he'd never see jinhwan again.

 

he used to think jinhwan was his reason for staying. but he's not sure anymore. maybe he's just afraid to leave and jinhwan is his excuse. he's not happy here, he knows as much. but will he be happy anywhere else?

 

maybe he's just afraid of change. or of space travel. maybe he would have already left if he wasn't so fucking scared of heights. a pretty hilarious trait for a spaceship crew member, no? but he can tell himself it doesn't matter that much in space. in the end, there's no up or down there, it's just endless nothingness. it's beautiful, vast, with no end in sight. kind of like an ocean, from what he's seen in the holograms. the sad part is that, he's kind of scared of the ocean too. maybe because he nearly drowned in a goddamn water barrel as a kid because his mother was never around and the older kids weren't kind.

 

aside from jinhwan. jinhwan was always kind to him. still is. so much it's always scared and overwhelmed junhoe a little. he just wasn't- isn't- used to kindness.

 

he switches the water off and slides the cabin walls open to grab a towel. no point wallowing in self-pity. everyone on the station has it tough. junhoe was just one of those people who were a little less lucky than others, but at least he still he's still alive and not starving. could have been worse.

 

he doesn't expect to find jinhwan in his bedroom, sitting on the edge of his bed. jinhwan smiles at him, then his eyes move down, raking over his body. junhoe remembers he's only wearing a towel, loosely wrapped around his hips, and he flushes. stupid. why would he get embarrassed? jinhwan has seen him like this countless times.

 

“you're back so soon?"

 

jinhwan looks up at his face again. the twinkles in his eyes make junhoe blush even more. trying his best to look casual and not trip over his own feet, he walks to closet to grab a t-shirt.

 

"no need to put that on," jinhwan says, tone playful. junhoe freezes, gripping the t-shirt in his hand. at this point his neck and ears are flushed too. "and yeah, it was an... easy, clean job."

 

junhoe flinches. jinhwan is a bounty hunter. he can't imagine how killing someone can ever be easy. but as kind as jinhwan is, he can be ruthless when needed. surprisingly so. terrifyingly so. junhoe still remembers what jinhwan did to the kids who tried to drown him. back then, jinhwan was only 9 years old, but he didn't hesitate. he didn't hurt them badly, jinhwan was still a better person than them, but junhoe is sure they remembered that lesson forever. they never tried to bother him again. although that might be partly thanks to the fact that junhoe ended up growing taller than all of them. he's pretty sure he grew this much thanks to sheer determination. it's not like he ever had a chance to eat anything more healthy or filling than the other kids.

 

he hangs the t-shirt over the back of the table chair and sits down next to jinhwan. jinhwan leans in, his lips brush against junhoe's- and then junhoe pulls back.

 

"you _stink_ ," he laughs, an amused grin stretching his lips.

 

jinhwan doesn't look offended. if anything, he seems amused, maybe a little sheepish. "the ship wasn't very sanitary," he admits. "nothing i'm not used to, though."

 

"man, that's gross. go take a shower."

 

"that was the plan." jinhwan pats his cheek. "i'll be back in a second."

 

"you better take more than a second!" junhoe protests, teasing, as jinhwan stands up and heads to the door. jinhwan just laughs at that, unbothered.

 

-

 

jinhwan is still there in the morning. he doesn't seem to be in hurry- he's sitting at the table, sleepily scrolling through his communicator, a flat, see-through device with a holographic screen. he's wearing junhoe's sweater- it's too big on him, makes him look soft, small and cute. domestic. except junhoe knows their relationship is not domestic and it likely will never be.

 

junhoe prepares them two boxes of instant noodles. he doubts he'd be a good cook even if he had a chance to try. he's not going to have a chance anytime soon, though. there's nothing to cook in this place. junhoe is sure that if it weren't for the vitamins he buys from the merchants, he'd be dead by now. sometimes, if he gets a good job, he can even buy some fruit and vegetables, but still, he doesn't even have a proper kitchen so he just makes a salad. better than nothing.

 

jinhwan eats the instant noodles mechanically, like he doesn't even feel the taste. junhoe is sure jinhwan must have tried real food in some of the places he's visited. but since he spends so much time travelling through space, he must be used to all kinds of gross instant food.

 

"when do you have to leave?"

 

junhoe doesn't like asking jinhwan that. he'd much rather pretend jinhwan doesn't have to leave at all, that they can just be together like this. but he knows better than that and the question is always hanging between them anyway.

 

"tomorrow," jinhwan says, not looking up from his communicator. "i've got some stuff to take care of here first. i'll be leaving in. uh. half an hour."

 

"will you come back?"

 

"in the evening, yeah. are you working today?"

 

junhoe swallows a mouthful of noodles. "yeah, but i'll be back in the evening."

 

jinhwan looks at him, his eyes crinkling in a smile. "good," he says, voice warm. it's a simple word, but it makes junhoe's heart jump. he wishes he wasn't so easy. everything jinhwan does affects him. he's happy that jinhwan seems to be looking forward to spending time with him. happy that they have one more night together before he leaves.

 

except jinhwan doesn't come back in the evening. junhoe isn't surprised. jinhwan often leaves without notifying him first. a sudden job offer, a message, a friend asking for help- and just like that, he's gone. junhoe is not a priority; he's a good fuck, at best. a convenience.

 

so he isn't surprised. he's used to people leaving him alone, his father left when he was little, his mother was never really around, either. so he's used to that, and he's not surprised, but it doesn't stop him from feeling sad and disappointed. he ends up sitting on the windowsill, smoking, watching the city outside. the nearest star is a red dwarf, not enough for natural light, and the artificial lights aren't bright. it's always dark here, junhoe thinks. everything is dark, rusty, drowning in that unsettling, red-and-black aura.

 

eventually, he lies down in his bed. the sheets still smell a bit like jinhwan. he's not sure how to describe the scent. something a little sweet and a little metallic. junhoe buries his face in the pillow and inhales. he wants to sleep but his mind helpfully provides him with images of jinhwan kissing him, touching him. spreading his legs ("your legs are really pretty, you know?", jinhwan likes to tell him). jinhwan gripping his hips, jinhwan's fingers moving in and out of him, brisk, efficient (because it's never really slow between them). the burning feeling when jinhwan pushes into him.

 

he sighs, wrapping his arms around the pillow. is it possible to feel miserable and horny at the same time? perks of being a young adult, he supposes. he doesn't want to get off, though, he just wants to sleep and forget.

 

and eventually sleep does come to him. this time, more than usual, junhoe wishes it would never go away.

 

-

 

maybe it's because he's exhausted. maybe it's because work hasn't been going well and he hasn't eaten in two days. maybe he's been overthinking. maybe it's all of those things together, and the fact that he misses jinhwan so much it hurts but he knows that when he sees him he won't be able to say it.

 

either way, something makes him snap when jinhwan drops by.

 

it's evening and junhoe is sitting at the table watching a holographic movie. he's not really paying attention to the plot, just looking at the scenery. mountains, grass, blue sky. he wonders if he'll ever be able to see something like that in his life. if he only stopped being such a coward. and if he wasn't so scared of losing jinhwan. even though he doesn't really have him in the first place.

 

he tries not to think about it. if jinhwan has sex with other people. maybe he has someone in one of the places he frequently visits. someone who's more important than junhoe. someone who's a priority. the thought hurts but junhoe knows it might be true. they never promised each other anything. they just... started fucking.

 

he's startled when the door opens and jinhwan walks in, as usual relaxed and confident, as if he owns the place. except there's no spring to his step; he looks exhausted. junhoe's eyes narrow as he takes a good look at his face- is that blood smeared on his cheek?

 

"hi," jinhwan says softly, slowly walking up to the table. his eyes crinkle with the usual kind smile. "it's good to see you."

 

"are you..." junhoe's voice cracks a little. he pauses, swallows. "are you okay?"

 

"hm? oh, yeah. just had an... encounter. i didn't have time to clean up but i'm okay. anyway, i can't stay this time. just dropping by to give you this." he pulls something out of his coat pocket. it's a small pouch. it jingles when jinhwan places it on the table. junhoe stares at it, frowning. they've been through this before.

 

"i've already told you-"

 

"yeah, but i know it must be tough for you now. not many ships dock here right now. a xylof is hunting close by."

 

xylof. planet eater. one of the most terrifying space monsters. it won't take interest in terra 3, that's for sure. living on a piece of junk has its advantages sometimes. still, it must be scaring ships away. this is why it's harder for junhoe to find a job. he'll be fine, though- he already found something for tomorrow, and the pay should be enough to last another week.

 

"i'm fine." it comes out harsher than intended. or maybe not. he's upset. he lets jinhwan come here whenever he pleases, leave whenever he pleases, he lets him fuck him whenever he pleases. he already feels like a whore. he doesn't need jinhwan's money to cement the feeling.

 

"really?" jinhwan just smiles. junhoe hates the condescending tone. "when was the last time you ate? just take it. you know it's no big deal for me."

 

it stings. yeah, he knows jinhwan earns more than him. he knows he's struggling. but he's getting by. he's not a child. if jinhwan considers him old enough to have sex with him then he should consider him old enough to be able to fend for himself.

 

"i don't need your charity." he stands up- a least his height is an advantage- grabs the pouch and throws it back at jinhwan. jinhwan catches it, his eyebrows furrowed. he seems... frustrated, maybe. good, because junhoe is really fucking angry right now. "if this is all you came here for then you can fucking leave right now."

 

"why won't you let me help you? don't be unreasonable. we're friends."

 

friends. junhoe lets out a weak laugh. it's bitter, it makes his chest hurt, it makes him feel sick. jinhwan really doesn't understand. maybe it's junhoe's fault. he can't put his feelings into words no matter how hard he tries.

 

"friends? that's why you want to help me?"

 

jinhwan eyes him suspiciously, as if the question is some sort of a trap. maybe it is. no matter what jinhwan replies, at this point he's probably not going to react positively.

 

"i promised your mother to take care of you."

 

and that does it. he's shocked for a moment but once the words sink in, it's as if someone dumped his heart into a bucket of cold water. is that why jinhwan sticks around? sweet, kind, noble jinhwan. all this time, junhoe thought jinhwan kept coming back for him, not for a promise he made to a dying woman. who knew. jinhwan was this good of a person. to go through so much trouble just because he made a promise.

 

so junhoe is not a priority, and he's not a convenience either. he's just a fucking bother.

 

"take care of me? by what, dropping by one a month to have sex with me and give me money?" he's taking this too far now, but he doesn't fucking care. his chest hurts, his throat feels tight, he just wants all of the feelings gone, the pain gone, he wants jinhwan gone. "i don't fucking need any of that!"

 

"junhoe-" jinhwan seems troubled now. "calm down-"

 

junhoe doesn't want to calm down. he fucking hates jinhwan now.

 

"leave."

 

"listen-"

 

"just fucking leave!"

 

surprisingly, jinhwan doesn't press any further. maybe junhoe hoped he would. hoped that jinhwan cared after all. but jinhwan leaves, the door softly closes behind him.

 

who was he kidding? he's probably just not the kind of a person people love. even if he loves them with all his heart. he’s only loved two people in his life. his mother, and she was never there for him. he doesn't care if she regretted it when she died. he's not as kind as jinhwan, not as quick to forgive. she was never there and even if she loved him a little bit, she never showed it. and then there's jinhwan. junhoe loves him, but to jinhwan, he's just a burden.

 

he cries a bit, but it doesn't really help, it just makes him feel pathetic. why is he such a goddamn crybaby? he should know better by now. crying is useless, nobody fucking cares. once he stops, he just sits there staring at the floor for what feels like hours. nothing happens. the world still goes on around him and eventually he has to shower and get ready to work. he does it mechanically. what's the point, he thinks, but he does it anyway, ignoring how empty he feels.

 

-

 

he's not expecting to see jinhwan again anytime soon, if ever, so he's surprised when he finds him in his apartment after work. he doesn't feel better than in the morning, just more tired, resigned, but the moment he spots jinhwan sitting at his table, he's fully awake again. and he feels it in his whole body, the sadness, the anxiety.

 

"i... i'm going to take a shower," he says hoarsely. jinhwan just nods. he doesn't look upset. if anything, he seems worried. junhoe doesn't know how to feel about it. he grabs a change of clothes- he definitely doesn't want to parade half-naked around jinhwan right now- and goes to the bathroom.

 

he takes longer than necessary, trying to calm down and think. he feels bad for snapping at jinhwan. maybe jinhwan is right about the way he treats him. maybe junhoe is still a child. maybe accepting jinhwan's help would be the mature thing to do. he knows jinhwan doesn't mean anything bad by it. he's just genuinely concerned. but why?

 

because he made a promise.

 

and that still hurts. he's still angry. he doesn't want to be a burden.

 

jinhwan smiles at him when he emerges from the shower.

 

"sit down," he says, as if it's his place and junhoe is just a guest. with how tense he feels, he might just as well be. nevertheless, he takes the seat opposite jinhwan.

 

"i'm sorry," is the first thing jinhwan says. junhoe is so surprised he doesn't know how to react. he thought he was in for a lecture. "i'm really, really sorry. i thought about it, and i..." he sighs, shaking his head. "i've been such an asshole to you."

 

has he really? junhoe doesn't even know. it's not like anyone has treated him better than jinhwan.

 

"it's just that. i wish you would just... tell me how you feel sometimes. i didn't even know. that i was hurting you."

 

junhoe stares at the table. yeah, he knows. he's blunt and open about most things, but when it comes to things that matter... he's too scared. maybe if he wasn't so emotionally constipated he would be able to tell jinhwan everything. how much he loves him. how much it hurts to be left alone, all the time. but then again, jinhwan is supposedly better at expressing himself, and he's never said anything like that. never gave junhoe any hint that they might be more than just friends with benefits. so... junhoe assumed they're not and they never will be. it was easier to assume.

 

is this what he's doing all the time? taking the easier route, to avoid getting hurt?

 

"i'm not..." jinhwan scowls briefly and sighs, rubbing his face. "i'm not making excuses, though. i should have been more careful, i should have tried talking to you. you were just a kid, for fuck's sake. when we first started... this thing."

 

where's jinhwan going with all of this? is he breaking up with him or something?

 

"i'm not a kid.” he doesn’t care how childish that sounds. "i never really was..."

 

to his surprise, jinhwan doesn't disagree. "i know." he places his hand over junhoe's. "you should have had a chance to be, though. i was supposed to look after you."

 

"i don't need you to," junhoe tries his best to say exactly what he feels. "if you're doing this- out of obligation-"

 

"it's not like that," jinhwan protests immediately. "shit, i was sure you knew. but then again, how were you supposed to when i... fuck, i'm so sorry. but i really care about you. a lot. i really, really do."

 

the words are unexpected, and they hit him hard. he doesn't fully realize he's crying until jinhwan raises his hands to his face and cups his cheeks, wiping the tears away.

 

"hey, don't cry..."

 

junhoe can't even get a word out, and though he wants to stop, he just cries more. it reminds him of that time when he was still a baby and he tripped, scrapping his knee pretty badly. but he didn't cry until his mother showed concern for him, and the more she consoled him the more he cried. as if he needed someone to validate his feelings. let him know he has the right to be upset. to be sad. that feeling sorry for yourself doesn't necessarily make you weak and pathetic.

 

and that someone cares. that someone is there to help you get up, to make sure you're not alone. he already let himself believe that he would always be alone, so to have someone show him affection is so overwhelming that he just. can't. fucking. stop. crying.

 

a moment later jinhwan is standing over him, hugging him, petting his hair. they stay like that for a long time. they don't really say much more, but the words jinhwan whispers to him as he holds him are more than enough. he hears jinhwan sniff as he buries his face in junhoe's hair and he wonders if jinhwan feels like crying too. and it's fine. he can't say he's perfectly happy all of sudden but right now, even as he cries, he feels better than he has in a long, long time.

 

-

 

"i've been saving up. for my own ship," jinhwan tells him later as they lie in bed. "it's going pretty well but i still need time." he glances at junhoe. he seems hesitant, almost shy. "i thought... once i get it, maybe you'd like to be a part of my crew. that's why i... i was selfish. i never encouraged you to leave this dump. because i was afraid of losing you. i hoped you could wait."

 

"why didn't you tell me?"

 

"because i wasn't sure i could do it." jinhwan's expression turns serious. "but now i'm sure. no matter what. i will do it. we're going to leave together, okay?"

 

 "you can't know that for sure. what if you get killed?"

 

"then you gotta promise me you will make use of my money and leave this place."

 

junhoe gives him a wry smile. "in that case maybe i should just get rid of you so i can leave sooner."

 

"not funny." jinhwan lifts himself up on an elbow and flicks his forehead.

 

"how do you know i'm just joking?" he's obviously joking, though, and jinhwan knows it. he'd rather die than cause jinhwan any harm.

 

"because i know you love me," jinhwan responds easily. his eyes are warm, kind, and he's not teasing, but junhoe still blushes and looks away. it's true, though. and the intensity of his feelings scares him a little. is it always like that, when you're in love? it's not like he can compare. he's never loved anyone else.

 

jinhwan doesn't give him time to mull over it. the next moment, he's straddling him, looking down at him with a telltale twinkle in his eyes. junhoe relaxes; this is more familiar, something he's used to. he places his hands on jinhwan's hips and smiles, expectant.

 

"i want to ride you. is that okay?" jinhwan asks.

 

junhoe gives a short laugh. "do you even need to ask?" jinhwan is rarely in the mood for bottoming so junhoe is not used to it, but he's just a young guy, he's rarely not up for sex, and as long as it's jinhwan, he's fine with anything.

 

things won't get better, he thinks, as jinhwan leans down to kiss him. terra 3 will still be a dump, his work won't get any easier, he still will barely have enough money to survive, and he's still going to feel lonely, he's still going to miss jinhwan so so much when he's away. but at least now he will have something to look forward to. the prospect of space travel still scares him but with jinhwan, he can do it.

 

he hopes that together they can make a place they'll be able to call home.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> hello this took me longer than it should but it's finished now wow please please let me know what you think!


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